Friday, May 21, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
in the estimation of mud.
owner of truth by guile,
ruthless zealot fraud.
David sans goliath
but for the pose,
lock stock ownership
of what cant be sold,
eternity for sale
which can never be owned.
Monday, May 17, 2010
I'm not a person with social instinct. I lack empathy.
I understand others and sense how they feel, but I lack the connection between that and how I feel. It makes me seem rather uncaring, disconnected and remote. That I don't have the mechanism in me that connects how others feel and how I feel, makes me different from others.
I DO sense how others feel, even to the point of introverting from the overwhelm of it. But it does not temper my actions. It does not create in me the desire to....respond to them gently, openly, caring.
I disappointed some people who know me well, and who know I am prone to rash attacks on others. But this time it was beyond their forbearance. I was banished from the small hold I had on the edges of their tribe.
My problem is that I am aware enough to see that how I feel and act do not fit, I see how others naturally act a different way, and see me as almost alien. And I adapt, at times, by observing and practicing the behaviors that fit in.
But at what point am I giving up myself? I don't want to fit in. I enjoy being different, and see some of my lack of instinct as a freedom from programing. I need to find the line past which I hurt people.
Strangely I dream of intimacy. I dream of being completely open to others....so open that I have no secrets, and having people around me who could remain unfazed at what would be secret, and who could share with me, those more tender private parts of themselves. Ha. Nice dream alex.
This post is a prime example of "me", I did something nasty to someone else and I go on about....me.
I get so incredibly lonely at times....
Posted by Alex at 9:01 PM
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Well it finally happened, I've had a "facebook disconnection". I had used the automatic function of facebook, which goes through my gmail account looking for potential friends.....I have a couple hundred or so current scientologists in my email address book...one of them;
Tomi Bowling, http://www.facebook.com/tomi.bowling
Spotted that I had Amy Scobee as a facebook friend, and when I didnt make the correct noises, and take her hint to disconnect from Amy, Tomi disconnected from me!
Too funny, I had to tell her that her husband was also in my friends....
Tomi is famous as a "SP" hunter, probably due to her being on OT7 and needing to prove something to the church to be able to pass her 6 month checks...
A quote from the Scientology Creed:
"That all men have inalienable rights to think freely, to talk freely, to write freely their own opinions and to counter or utter or write upon the opinions of others;"
And the churchs current spokesman:
Yes I know Tommy is more referring to familys, than casual connections, but from my own experience the matter of disconnection has come up in ethics as a solution much too quickly, rather than as a last resort for serious problems.
I once had a teenage ethics terminal bring up disconnection from my spouse of a couple of decades, because I mentioned they had reservations about me spending too much money on scientology. This was in direct reply to my mentioning it, no suggestion of handling, not weight given to the strength of our long marriage...
I was pissed to say the least. Now that I think about it, that was the last time I was physically in an org. (Someone want to indicate the break in reality? :) )
Disconnection has a place....but only as a last resort when all handling has failed. And me....I would choose my spouse over the church anyway. Silly me...
How much weight does a facebook connection have anyway? I have never met Amy Scobee, nor for than matter most of the people on my facebook friends list. The PTS/SP tech is there so that a person can live a life realitivly free from upset, not to enforce arbitrary rules about the correctness of others beliefs...if I can confront and remain stable seeing other viewpoints, there is no need for the church to take any action.
This notion that a scientologist should not have even the slightest connection to any one tainted by the church's pronouncement that they are declared, flies in the face of much that LRH has written. The most appropriate in my mind being, "Be able to experience anything. Cause only those things which others are able to experience easily."
What benefit is scientology ultimately if one is required to cut communication, to hide from others because they have different beliefs from you, or because they have done things wrong?
How can scientology as a philosophy and practice be furthered if the very people who would benefit most remain taboo?
PTS/SP tech has a whole array of methods for dealing with troublesome people, all seem to rely on communication and confront. Disconnection is the last resort and meant to benefit the person disconnecting not act in retribution to the person disconnected from.
I agree that there is a need for cutting off certain people from ones life, but for me those people would be more in the category of raging psychopaths rather than someone who has differing views and experiences than me.
I have actually learned much from examining viewpoints other than the ones I already held. It has actually strenghtened my understanding of scientology, by forcing me to look closer at what I believe.
So Tomi, (who will I am sure never read this as she would then spend thousands of dollars cleaning it up in her next six month check...) what value is all you learn and gain from scientology if it makes you smaller? If it means you cannot reach or maintain connections? Or be allowed to confront?
My ideal for a scientologist IS someone who can experience anything and not be knocked of their position. Someone who has the compassion and understanding to see the good in people, even when the best of them is not on display. And someone with the skills to deal with the problems and upsets and lack of mutual understanding, and be unafraid.
I'm certainly not there yet, nor are enough of the people on earth, but the ideal is a good goal, not exclusion, safety and rightness.
Tomi, I am willing to communicate with you if ever you wish...
OK rant over...
"The first step of handling anything is gaining an ability to face it." Scientology: A New Slant on Life by L. Ron Hubbard