Thursday, August 26, 2010

One of my favorites...

One of my favorites, brought to mind by the summer and thoughts of redwood forests cool allure.......oh the notion...naked in the forest, air on the skin, psychic excitement permeating the ether...instincts overriding social restraint......

barefoot in the summer forrest

scent of patchouli and girl funk

dancing on the path

of butterflies and weed

following boy/men pipers

who think they lead

earth, mother, dirty, girl

a moment stilled.

hemp skirt swirls below

the knoted tied T

and the natural hair

down fur'd body

nothing else to wear

soon though to loose

for a stream side bath

in the redwoods shadows

the men, their shafts

into a chakra's vortex

they'll be pulled

psychic energy emission

in mother earths hold

soft sweet girl whirlpool

as young as is old.

And then as one

with nature be

spent of worry, sorrow

and energy

To see her go

on down the path

dancing, glowing

with a laugh.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


I am coming to the opinion that the Church of Scientology is unsalvageable.

Not that it was not a noble and well intended effort, and still to this day mostly populated by caring, aware and valuable people....

Its just that its direction has changed and the people who are in it are so interiorized that they are not seeing where they are going.

When I first tested the waters of organized scientology, I was shown LRH references that said it was my responsibility to examine what he said and determine for myself the truth or falsehood of it.

This is no longer the way it works. Challenging the status quo in the church results in banishment. Suppressive Person declares are issued for folks with years of service, and records of accomplishment. I was just talking today with someone about Trey Lotz, a class VIII, OT VIII who had done 2 of his 3 flag internships directly under LRH, and who has over 40,000 hours of delivery of auditing to his credit. How can this person be someone whom the church needs to banish?

Most all of the old timers from the days when LRH was at Saint Hill are declared, the top auditors in scientology, the Class 12's are down to a can these people all be suppressive?

LRH set up the organization of scientology so that the top of the organization was an exterior qual function to the activities below it, yet today it has been turned upside down so that it is management by orders from the top with no initiative allowed at the bottom. A model best suited for war. War is bad.

The basic paradigm of scientology is the unmocking of stuck dichotomies. War being of that kind. But numerous examples of created arbitrary dichotomies can be seen in the current church. The push for material status with opulent buildings as opposed to the stated goal of scientology; freeing spiritual beings from the material! We are not mud, scientology is not buildings.

And if we aspire to be free beings, how does the rigid cultural pressure in the church fit? It is not complimentary to spiritual freedom but in fixed opposition.

What is sad is the that people are not seeing the larger direction of the church in the more minor roles they play in it. There are so many cultural elements in scientology that have carried through the years to now be used to manipulate and entrap its members.....and the membership is now of a generation that may only know this more rigid, dogmatic "religion" rather than what it once was. A great deal of institutional memory was lost in Miscaviges putsch in the early 80's....

I am still in good standing with the church, mainly because "they" do not know what I have said, and don't seem to have people who can pull withholds. I have been on the meter a few times and had my "inappropriate thoughts" remain unaddressed....Yes I can think nice thoughts and float my needle even when asked specifically for overts. ( I won't get into that whole floating needle mess...... but its another example of scientology turned upside down, and its acceptance is one more example of the membership not applying what LRH wrote, but Acquiescing to cultural pressure).

It is the culture that is the problem...


  • An integrated pattern of human knowledge, belief, and behavior that depends upon the capacity for symbolic thought and social learning
  • The set of shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices that characterizes an institution, organization or group

I am a scientologist, and don't see that changing till I die. I am a bit frustrated that I can not influence the organization set up by the philosophies founder, to retake and keep the form he envisioned. Scientology is not the Church that owns the name. The church is not the important thing, although it acts as if it were. The ideas are the value.

I have a recently arrived theory, LRH had most of the OT concepts and techniques figured out in the 50's, and then spent decades undercutting and expounding on them to make it available to people who needed a bit more explanation and theory is that the organization underwent a similar dumbing down, bringing it to the level where the likes of its current leadership could move in. The mistake being not maintaining an exterior viewpoint on it all. LRH interiorized into his own creation. Like all of us have. We see it every time we look at some bit of "case", our own cause, unacknowledged, unrecognized, and thus putting us at effect.

So what is the solution? For me it is not to once again set myself up in opposition, and dedicate myself to the latest GPM.....It is to use what I know, based on my own decision that it is true and no one elses, to function, to create the future, and to enjoy the experience of it.

I am not bound to scientology by policy, or culture, but only by my own observation of its value to me. And I will also observe other portions of life and find value or not on my own determinism.

I have a few favorites...  (I know I keep pushing these....  :)  )

But most importantly is the recognition that even though I like some school of thought or a few, it is fundamentally only my responsibility for what happens in my life, and in what I observe. I create in some fashion all that I perceive. Understanding how to operate based on this truth, is what I now need to learn.

My love to any who read this. Love is the core of life.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Where did They go

Where did They go
Those people so passionate
Not to shame
Or find fault
But same
What we had so magic
And gone
Did they absorb into the walls
Dreams forgotten
Awake now magic gone
I am lonley for them

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Life the universe and everything...

I so badly want to write my unified theory of everything. Some great project that ties all my understandings of life, the universe and everything, together....(Hitchhikers Guide).

But I don't think I can, or will.

If anyone is interested I have posted here and elsewhere, the major influences, and schools of thought that make up my current world view, missing is my life experiences that make those things relevant to me.

Perhaps, they would not be relevant to others, except where their lives were similar to mine.

There are times when I have the energy and the compulsion to push my viewpoint, and there are times when I think it best to fade away and let people discover their own truth with out my ego interfering.

But to bullet point: Scientology, (not the church), Monroe Institute and Bob Monroe, Ingo Swann, Gangji and "the american way"....

If I were to sum up my view of life, it would be that it is entirely what you make it. Either by action or omission, but entirely your own creation. And purpose? Something to do, something to fill the time in the most pleasurable way. Nothing more really.

And sometimes you need to cease participating and return to the stillness and constant love that is the core of your existence. Outside of time and things and others.

A path I sometimes look down with a bit of longing....though I'm sure I would soon want back in the game.

(there are some interesting links over on the rights side, "other places I like" ..... check them out!)


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I don't normally do this....(copypasta forwarded emails...)

Five (5) lessons about the way we treat people

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor
Gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student

And had breezed through the questions until I read
The last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
Cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
Dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
Blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
The last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely, " said the professor.. "In your careers,
You will meet many people.  All are significant. They
Deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
Is smile and say "hello.."

I've never forgotten that lesson.. I also learned her
Name was Dorothy. 

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain 

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American
Woman was standing on the side of an  Alabama  highway
Trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had
Broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally
Unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man
Took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
Put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
Address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
Knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
Giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
Special note was attached.

It read:

"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
The other night. The rain drenched not only my
Clothes, but also my spirits.  Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
Husband's' bedside just before he passed away... God
Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving

Mrs. Nat King Cole. 

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those

Who serve. 

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
A 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
Sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
Front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and
Studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the
Waitress was growing impatient..

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
The table and walked away The boy finished the ice
Cream, paid the cashier and left..  When the waitress
Came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
Table.  There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,

Were two nickels and five pennies..

You see,  he couldn't  have the sundae, because he had
To have enough left to leave her a tip. 

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path. 

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
Roadway.  Then he hid himself and watched to see if
Anyone would remove the huge rock  Some of the
King's' wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
And simply walked around it..  Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did
Anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
Vegetables.  Upon approaching the boulder, the
Peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road.  After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway.  The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition. 

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts... 

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare and serious disease.  Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness.  The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save
her."  As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed
next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing
the color returning to her cheek. Then his face
grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her. 

Now you have 

1 Delete this email, or 

2. Forward it to other people. 

I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember. 

Most importantly.... "Work like you

don't need the money, love like you've never been

hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching." 


Thursday, August 5, 2010


There seem to be three "universes", three realities, three states of awareness/being....

Your own universe. Unshared with others, or that part of the shared universes that is solely your own creation.

Shared universes. Those which you and others co-create or participate in.

Others own universe. Those which you are unaware and have not connection to or participation in.

Shared universes are where most people believe "truth" to lie. (funny little turn of phrase...) I should say where truth is believed to reside. Shared universes are the only place where individuals can agree. Universes that are not shared or which are not in ones awareness or that of others can not be true except in the perception of the owner/creator/inhabitant.

Simple axiomatic truths. But with profound implications.

Ultimately what you experience, perceive, see to be the truth is your own creation, either in the choice to share or not, your and others creations. The basis of all experience is based on the simple choice of what to perceive and what to create in your own mind/universe. The apparantcy of unwanted perception can always be tracked back to some previous agreement to "share".

You can learn to control your choices. You can learn to not choose, but be still.

Life is what you make it.


Monday, June 7, 2010


AS A PROCESS...  by Alan C Walter

A dual Hoo’ pono pono session requires that both participants, each individually look within themselves to observe and permeate that part of you that is contributing to creating the condition of someone or something and then healing that creation. There are 9 steps to doing dual Hoo’ pono pono:

1. Noticing the non- optimum or omitted condition or situation you are connected to.

2. Name the non- optimum or omitted condition or situation you are connected to

3. Ask: “Is there anything you are doing that is contributing to or agreeing to that (Named non- optimum or omitted condition or situation)

4. Usually what comes to view is an area of resistance – a massy, low mood level condition or situation.

5. Have partner tell you about it to open it up. Ask: “Tell me about it?”

6. Have partner permeate it with love! Ask: “Permeate the (Resist point) with love?” Step 6 the permeation step will go all over the place, just repeat the “permeate and love” commands and it will unravel. It may go into many different forms, many different combinations of mutual co-creations of the non-optimum conditions or situations. It will nearly always go back to past lives. Though you want what the being is doing in present time that is contributing to the PT condition. Almost through all of the session, you and your partner will run it from present time. A lot of hate will come to view as you permeate with love, just keep permeating.

7. Partner does steps 2 to 6 on you to a win.

8. Ask partner: Is there anything else you are doing that is contributing to or agreeing to that (Named non- optimum or omitted condition or situation)

9. Repeat above steps over and over to a completion and a big win.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I want to be Jessica....

Yea....I want to be Jessica! Or like her.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Carnal Knowledge of Jelli!

Vainglorious!    God.....

in the estimation of mud.

owner of truth by guile,

ruthless zealot fraud.

David sans goliath

but for the pose,

lock stock ownership

of what cant be sold,

eternity for sale

which can never be owned.


Monday, May 17, 2010


I'm not a person with social instinct. I lack empathy.

I understand others and sense how they feel, but I lack the connection between that and how I feel. It makes me seem rather uncaring, disconnected and remote. That I don't have the mechanism in me that connects how others feel and how I feel, makes me different from others.

I DO sense how others feel, even to the point of introverting from the overwhelm of it. But it does not temper my actions. It does not create in me the desire to....respond to them gently, openly, caring.

I disappointed some people who know me well, and who know I am prone to rash attacks on others. But this time it was beyond their forbearance. I was banished from the small hold I had on the edges of their tribe.

My problem is that I am aware enough to see that how I feel and act do not fit, I see how others naturally act a different way, and see me as almost alien. And I adapt, at times, by observing and practicing the behaviors that fit in.

But at what point am I giving up myself? I don't want to fit in. I enjoy being different, and see some of my lack of instinct as a freedom from programing. I need to find the line past which I hurt people.

Strangely I dream of intimacy. I dream of being completely open to open that I have no secrets, and having people around me who could remain unfazed at what would be secret, and who could share with me, those more tender private parts of themselves. Ha. Nice dream alex.

This post is a prime example of "me", I did something nasty to someone else and I go on

I get so incredibly lonely at times....

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Facebook friends...

Well it finally happened, I've had a "facebook disconnection". I had used the automatic function of facebook, which goes through my gmail account looking for potential friends.....I have a couple hundred or so current scientologists in my email address of them;

Tomi Bowling,

Spotted that I had Amy Scobee as a facebook friend, and when I didnt make the correct noises, and take her hint to disconnect from Amy, Tomi disconnected from me!

Too funny, I had to tell her that her husband was also in my friends....

Tomi is famous as a "SP" hunter, probably due to her being on OT7 and needing to prove something to the church to be able to pass her 6 month checks...

A quote from the Scientology Creed:

"That all men have inalienable rights to think freely, to talk freely, to write freely their own opinions and to counter or utter or write upon the opinions of others;"

And the churchs current spokesman:

Yes I know Tommy is more referring to familys, than casual connections, but from my own experience the matter of disconnection has come up in ethics as a solution much too quickly, rather than as a last resort for serious problems.

I once had a teenage ethics terminal bring up disconnection from my spouse of a couple of decades, because I mentioned they had reservations about me spending too much money on scientology. This was in direct reply to my mentioning it, no suggestion of handling, not weight given to the strength of our long marriage...

I was pissed to say the least. Now that I think about it, that was the last time I was physically in an org. (Someone want to indicate the break in reality?  :)   )

Disconnection has a place....but only as a last resort when all handling has failed. And me....I would choose my spouse over the church anyway. Silly me...

How much weight does a facebook connection have anyway? I have never met Amy Scobee, nor for than matter most of the people on my facebook friends list. The PTS/SP tech is there so that a person can live a life realitivly free from upset, not to enforce arbitrary rules about the correctness of others beliefs...if I can confront and remain stable seeing other viewpoints, there is no need for the church to take any action.

This notion that a scientologist should not have even the slightest connection to any one tainted by the church's pronouncement that they are declared, flies in the face of much that LRH has written. The most appropriate in my mind being, "Be able to experience anything. Cause only those things which others are able to experience easily."

What benefit is scientology ultimately if one is required to cut communication, to hide from others because they have different beliefs from you, or because they have done things wrong?

How can scientology as a philosophy and practice be furthered if the very people who would benefit most remain taboo?

PTS/SP tech has a whole array of methods for dealing with troublesome people, all seem to rely on communication and confront. Disconnection is the last resort and meant to benefit the person disconnecting not act in retribution to the person disconnected from.

I agree that there is a need for cutting off certain people from ones life, but for me those people would be more in the category of raging psychopaths rather than someone who has differing views and experiences than me.

I have actually learned much from examining viewpoints other than the ones I already held. It has actually strenghtened my understanding of scientology, by forcing me to look closer at what I believe.

So Tomi, (who will I am sure never read this as she would then spend thousands of dollars cleaning it up in her next six month check...) what value is all you learn and gain from scientology if it makes you smaller? If it means you cannot reach or maintain connections? Or be allowed to confront?

My ideal for a scientologist IS someone who can experience anything and not be knocked of their position. Someone who has the compassion and understanding to see the good in people, even when the best of them is not on display. And someone with the skills to deal with the problems and upsets and lack of mutual understanding, and be unafraid.

I'm certainly not there yet, nor are enough of the people on earth, but the ideal is a good goal, not exclusion, safety and rightness.

Tomi, I am willing to communicate with you if ever you wish...

OK rant over...


 "The first step of handling anything is gaining an ability to face it." Scientology: A New Slant on Life by L. Ron Hubbard


Friday, April 23, 2010

Frisky foolishness, spring springing

Sorry for the music quality...its the feeling...I love Lucinda...

I am 50 something years old. I no longer ignite any fires in anyone's loins based on my looks, or passion in my gaze. But I still have it. You know it, that feeling that you want to play with someone play games that intrude into the private parts of anothers psyche...AND THEIR BODY.

I want to know the things that go on in between the ears of someone be let take them in....and MERGE!

HA! Merge. Wink Wink.

Exchange energy, yield secrets, give into passion, take down defenses....

Some times when I am out and about in public and I pass by a person who would be a suitable, realistic "partner", (not life, but quick) I feel the energy of their interest and I open my space to them and let them feel my energy. Its like there is a certain frequency that is sexual....

I want to go commando in something that doens't cover my knees, to feel the breeze....

When does the urge stop? Are the old ladys buying cat food at Safeway yearning for hot sausages?

Is that old man with the walker and a bit of palsy thinking he would die happy if only he could get a bit of that cute 60 something babe?

I think yes.

I've been in a horny mood for a few weeks now...

Too Much info? Oh grow up! You feel it too!


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

100th monkey...

There is a theory known as the "100th monkey effect", supposedly put forth due to the observation of Japanese scientists observation that when a certain percentage of a monkey population on one island learned to wash its food, the knowledge became inherent in the species, even though no physical contact existed. Monkeys on other islands spontaneously started washing their food.

This theory is often linked with Rupert Sheldrakes theories of Morphic Resonance. This is the idea that our thoughts effect the form of other living things, even with out material means. Commonly held ideas form a morphic field that life around it patterns after.

It also has support in the arena of quantum physics and the demonstrable Heisenberg uncertainty principle. Which ties the state of quanta, sub atomic particles, to their being observed. And it has been demonstrated the different observers influence differently under the same conditions.

These two ideas suggest that the world we live in is an effect of consciousness, rather than an independently existing reality that we are merely experiencing. We are creating it actively.

The implications of this are that our direction should be towards increasing out capacity for consciousness, for being aware of our awareness, and directing it accordingly. It is a brief for assuming responsibility, and a lessened belief in fate or disconnection from life, its forms, and its environment.

If it is our thoughts that give form to life and its environment, and our very act of observation that solidifies energy into the patterns we then see, we need to move towards a greater involvement in creation, rather than letting it go automatic.


I still believe that scientology, the philosophy and technology, (as contrasted with the Church of Scientology, a large dysfunctional organization that thinks it owns said philosophy and technology), is a valuable path. In scientology you find well laid out explanations of the various life functions as relate to the consciousness and the mind. Scientology also has methods to remove the erroneous patterns of thinking and filters to observation that hinder.

Only when old patterns of thought are removed, can we accurately observe and thus create in a sane and rational manner.

And it is a state of full presence in the current moment that creating is done. Scientology removes things that hold our consciousness to moments in the past, keeping us from full presence. But also full presence is something that can be mentored. For this I like Gangaji, born Merle Antoinette (Tony) Roberson in Texas in 1942, grew up in Mississippi. She trod a long path from Mississippi through new age california, to India, finding her presence and the ability to transmit the notion of it to others.

Her modeling of silent loving awareness, and message recommending dropping all "story" of who you are and engaging in an enquiry from that state, is certainly aligned with expanding consciousness.

Of course I love the high tech approach also, like any apple computer user and iphone addict...and along these lines I augment my hold on sanity and expand my biological capacity for supporting consciousness with the use of biaural meditation.

If consciousness is the stuff of life I believe it to be, the master of explaining it in terms outside the material construct is Ingo Swann. In fact this blog entry was inspired by my reading of his book "Your Nostradamus Factor". He seems to have dedicated his life to understanding how consciousness functions outside the more well known realms, and how is it suppressed to fit a certain paradigm that excludes its non physical communication.

We have pattered ourselves, given in to automatic functioning, to the exclusion of various avenues of consciousness, so called telepathy, clairvoyance, foreseeing the future and other innate functions of consciousness that are excluded in how we currently live, but are demonstrably possible.

Are we moving towards a human "100th monkey" effect, where the critical mass of "enlightened" consciousness elevates us? I think we are. The various tools are there. Science and materialism have created the conditions where we have the time and energy to expend in making a species wide leap forward, we no longer need to work just to stay clothed and fed. We have the time to examine our spiritual beliefs which in the past were more of a shorthand or placeholder built of not fully examined metaphor.

This monkey is ready to wash its food.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


I was at a school event tonight....heard children sing Amazing Grace....glib and innocent, not knowing wretchedness, not yet knowing the evil of cognizant sin...

"GRACE: Grace is the spontaneous, unmerited gift of the divine favour in the salvation of sinners. It is understood by Christians to be the free gift of an uncaused and overflowing love─totally undeserved mercy"

I remembered an experience from my youth, at 18, separated and estranged from my family, (by my own stupidity), and finding myself in a church service, high in the balcony, hearing Amazing Grace as if for the first time. The first time it struck relevant.

I long for a bit of grace.

The song only reminded me of it tonight, not delivered it. Tonight the eve of a day I did something mean and irrevocable to someone good. Something they will never know I did, but will steal some joy from their life none the less.

My muse, now dark fury.

Psychic stalker

longs for grace

muse of dark fury

at what cant be faced

slipping down

losing my grip

accepting the welcome

of shadows embrace.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm in kind of a dark place now is no where to be found. It was that I could love, and now I am below the mark, below 2.0, as RogerB says, on the reverse vector, where you snap from positive to negative. I want to create....hurt, retribution, chaos.

I have holes, blankness' of perception, about my self, that haunt me. Although I know they are there, I don't know what they are filled with. It is as if I were in a large room, well known to me, but could only see certain parts of it.

I suspect others see me with the blanks filled, see what I dont.

People have offered to process me, but I haven't confronted that, turned them down, turned on them, their efforts. Two big players have stepped up, open to helping me, Mike Goldstein gave it a shot, and I dissed him publicly. Another privately, a knowledgist, but I turned him down, and he moved on to help others, bigger players than me.

I need to get above the mark. Up from the apathy to antogo band, at least into the maginally positive...

I miss it. Being creative. I certainly miss the year or so long ability that turned on...writing poetry...its gone. My muse, amused no more. Yea it was a person...and they dont want me. Maybe never even realized...and still I have dreams of us.

I like this one...

cold hands blue, wishing for raspberry romantic you, dancing in rainbows elusive embrace, untouched by the smiling face of god of the forests, gnomes and fairies, spiritual metaphor last universes detritus, magic method of remembered joy, and love unanswered, but attention twill cloy, science in place to mend messes made, in structure artificial sans brocade, failing to order that which is not, still believing that path to trot, till ending in ruin when all that was dear is lost and perverted by anal fear, but ever the notion of communion is held by some simple ones who agree with not, and nothing need holy order to be, but simply love and curiosity and laughter to heed, so go long in dreams of life sublime, raspberry romantic, sample my wine.

I'm not the person who wrote that anymore.

Still me .....but a me who remembers the people I have screwed.... S---- whos marrage I put myself in the middle of...I knew what I was doing...letting you be the one who took all the leads...I was not innocent, but you lost your job, your spouse, and even me. Yes we should have just gone to mexico, instead I played dead, leaving you with a mess. I still dream of what you and I would have been if we had blown. I remember vividly, lying in the grass on the hill with you, with a bottle of champagne, talking till the early morning. That night we never even touched...yet we did in a way.

B--- you followed me across the country. I betrayed you, abandoned you, embarassed you. I think of you now decades later and wonder...

L. I should have just told you right love for you was not the love of a life time, but it was love....but our kid....shes the one I really hurt, not giving her both parents.

And so off I go looking for spiritual freedom, when happiness could be had in just being....decent.

And in the way of "spiritual freedom" lie all my own creations. Things I would be forgiven by anyone but myself.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Mini skirts, information packages, societal programing...

I own this wonderfully trashy denim miniskirt that I found at a thrift store...It must have been donated by someone who previously used it in a professional capacity...while it does cover what the law demands, it does so in a way that is almost what some people wish the law would prohibit!

On the same vein, many modest, god fearing women will wear a swim suit to the beach, yet the very same suit is designed to highlight what it covers! They are completely revealed in form and have but a wisp of thin clinging fabric to hide the most private of places....some suits even have graphic elements that blatantly point to the crotch! Of course all the while men in "speedos" get the communal eeewwwww.

Funny notion using the very means of providing modesty to effect the exact opposite! Hiding in plain sight. Overwhelming literal significance with culturally conditioned perception.

Overwhelming literal significance, with culturally conditioned perception.

To someone outside our culture, say the oft used example of a visitor from Mars....Women are dressed to draw attention to their sexual features, and accentuate the interest by pretending to hide them.

To us, well, we aren't animals! We cant go around naked! (We're worse, were naked with signs on our bodies saying so!)

And as it is with our bodies and consideration about them, so it is with many of our cultural and societal elements. We are programed to not see obvious and inconsistent behaviours. We act and interact in ways that would not seem rational if we could be removed from our cultural conditioning to see it from an outside perspective.

Ingo Swann writes brilliantly, although at the same time in a heavily academic style, about information packages and our societal programming. He is one of the more studied and astute observers of us humans, perhaps because of his extra-human perceptions...

He discusses how our innate telepathic abilities are buried and ignored, yet shows how those perceptions still affect how we live. We seem to have pushed them into our sub conscious, pushed them down to where we dont look, yet information comes from them and colors our conscious thinking....

This ties in with what I have read of Rupert Sheldrake and his theories of Morphic Resonance, the idea that all things have a "field" around them that inteacts with all the other fields of other life and things.

I've been working on this post for several weeks, but have become stuck, for the lack of specific examples in my life of the effect of this social conditioning, human programing on myself. Perhaps it is not possible to see, with out help. But I know it exists. I know that others around me are effected by my thoughts, moods, etc.....I know that I live in a construct that has but one law, agreement....

And I suspect that when I do fully see this, a lot of what I now consider "real" will be much less so.

I would welcome comments......

Below are a couple of pertinent paragraphs by Ingo Swann that seem to go to the heart of his view of our situation...

"As it is, telepathy cannot exist, much less be explained, IF the parameters of consciousness are limited to the mental equipment of the biological individual. Since information is "exchanged" or "acquired" between human individuals in the absence of any objective methods to do so, and in that the information so exchanged results in mental perception of it, it is obvious that a format of consciousness exists that is independent of each biological human unit. The Encyclopedia definition thus seems good as far as it goes, but is nonetheless incomplete. And that definition has deficiencies. For example, it stipulates that consciousness is mental awareness. But long before the Encyclopedia was compiled in 1967, the real existence of the subconscious was confirmed. The principal definition of the SUBCONSCIOUS holds that it is aware of information that the mental awareness is not aware of. Not only that, but that the subconscious causes the bio-mental organism to RESPOND to information that the mental awareness is not aware of. And indeed, THIS is the working hypothesis that leads to the efficiency of subliminal "messages." Additionally, the early mob consciousness research resulted in considered estimation that information WAS transferred and exchanged emotional sub-mental-awareness level. As a result, some kind of sub-mental union or bonding resulted could only be thought of as an unknown kind of telepathy that served induce behavior of a group-mind force. the at some in what to

One of the concepts that can come out of this is that although each individual may be an island of consciousness, all such islands might be residing in a greater ocean of consciousness which exists independently of each human life unit. In this regard, the Encyclopedia definition establishes that consciousness IS only what the individual becomes mentally aware of. But strictly speaking, the definition is describing a FUNCTION of consciousness, not, so to speak, the "substance" of consciousness itself. And with this, we could now plunge into the intricacies of mysticism whose chief proponents have always held that consciousness is a universal substance, and that each human is only a small manifestation within it."

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Is is futile?

Is it futile?

Life that is....

I was driving the soccer mom mini van home from the post office today, thinking: WHY?

Why am I here? Alive? What do I have to motivate me? What fun game?

Yes, my kids. I need to be here for them. And dinner, it needs to be ready in a few hours, and yes I did pick up toilet paper (mass quantities) at Sam's club today...

But for me? What.

There have been times in my life when the shear beauty of life itself was reason enough. Or the trees talking to me when I rode my bike in the country. Or when in love.

I need some more interaction in my life. Someone playing back. An enemy maybe. I'm not in a position to be in love at the moment. I am married.

Yes, its nice, and yes I do love them, deeply. But....dynamic purpose....excitement about being alive...maybe its the weather, gray skies...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Disassociative thought?

If I think I am an entity distinct from my body, or at least a symbiotic component of a composite called "a human", am I suffering from disassociative thought? Am I crazy in layman's terms? Is it schitzoid!?!

Or am I an artist of consciouness, imagining, creating works of genius, when I imagine beams of subtle, gentle, comforting, energy, caressing my body at the direction of my whims? Stroking up my leg, feeling the skin, teasing to my root chakra? Tickling my pleasures?

Is it delusion to call out into the ether, for others to share? To want, and to desire to give.

Funny thoughts on a lazy Saturday morning, sitting on a couch wearing loose flannel, listening to music.

Thoughts about my body. And who I will be with out it someday. Some day that sometimes seems too soon. A body is a wonderful amplifier of all the sensations that originate in the imaginings of various consciousnesses, interplay between points of discreet life, in the soup of life as an un-individuated whole.

I don't think I know how to function without body. I don't know if I have the courage to try. I am so attached to this paradigm, living through the intermediary of material tools. I like the game, having a body, the privacy it gives me as consciousness, the barriers of it. You cant see me unless I choose. Just the skin I hide in.

But then maybe you can see me in these words.

And play with what your eyes can not see, but you know is there.  (my apologies to Ingo for ripping off his art above) His book "Psychic Sexuality" is a must read for anyone exploring consciousness, human existence, and how spirit interacts with body.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

When I go to sleep, I start by fantasizing some scenario....frequently being ridiculously wealthy and living in paris....

Listening to Paganini at this moment in the grand march of time....almost bed time.

Sleep...the magic when this universe dissolves and avenues to others open....

See you there.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Dark side....a dichotomous necessity?

Sometimes i consider going to the dark side, or that I am there. Creating chaos instead of order. Sometimes I do intend and create chaos. With no qualms, a psychopathic uproar fairy, sprinkling virus' of disorder. Loki in soft flesh, seemingly benign....yet virulent, potent...eroticly compelling, subtly corrupting.

I changed. When once I proclaimed love as the I find value on either side of the dichotomy.

I may have helped kill a man, Alan, with my pestering, with my challenging of his beloved conclusions on method and reason to life.

He was never able to meet me head on in a discussion, he always turned away or attacked me for puttting my ideas in front of him. He told me in a phone conversation once that I was an abuser, his name for a suppressive person. He was so patient in trying to explain to me how I was abusing him, how what I was saying was unwanted, unwanted being his definition of abuse. I know he was a kind and good man, being so patient in dealing with someone he considered destructive. Yet he was also lacking perceptions, thinking me to be one of a stream of OSA terminals, never once accurately seeing me.

I didn't know he had cancer when I made those posts. I stand by their content, and would hold them up as examples of fanatics just like scientologists, in the responses of alan and other knowledgists....yet if I knew he was dying, I would not have posted them. I feel it contributed in a very small way to his passing, my counter intentions to his life's work.

And now I may have cancer myself. Funny stuff life.

My encounter on ESMB with Alan changed things for me. I was flying high, I had a muse, was extroverted and creating. Then alan begin his subtle wrong indications, his lies about knowing who I was, his denial of having talked to me, after knowingly feeding me little jabs that were calculated to key me in. It worked. He spun his abuser. I haven't recovered fully yet, a year later.

I probably shouldnt even talk about it, much less the psychic stuff, alan sending his spiritual team mates to spy on me, admitting it and later denying it, or teaming up with a corporal friend to push mass at me one day....of course I gave back in kind too....really it didn't bother me, I considered myself immune from the psychic shananigins, and probably am, at least as a receiver of those comms, but maybe not so much as the sender...that is the ironic harm is such games.

Ultimately it is just experience, with the significance something assigned, as considered, purely subjective.

Am I saying a balance of considered good vs. considered evil is the golden middle path?

Or that it just doesn't matter at all what we do.

We have a lot of time to fill.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

My meditation spot...

This spot is where I like to go and listen to hemi-sync and other bi-aural stuff on my iphone.

A modern form of medition, the bi-aural recordings put different frequencies into each ear, and cause your brain to generate another frequency (hetrodyning), trying to reconcile the different imputs. The frequency the brain creates is in the range of the various brain way states, Alpha, Delta, Theta, etc that correspond to different perceptive and emotional experiences.

In the Monroe paradigm these different perceptive and emotional states are referred to as focus levels.

See:  for more information. It works.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Pretty day to end the year

A gorgeous day to end a rough year......perhaps tonight a toast to the future of my is alway there...
So here it is, the end of the year, the beginning of another.....and I am tired of scientology. Tired of the whole thing, the compulsion to figure out life using it as a tool, tired of the culture of the Church, and tired of the drama surrounding that culture and the people who oppose it.

I think I know enough about life now to play it.

No, I am no tech master, but I know enough to stop looking for new data for a solution and focus on implementing the stuff I have in the actual living. What value is the theory without application? What sense in solving the challenges without the significance and touch of the pain and joy, sensation, emotion and consequences?

What probably brought this on is the call last night from a flag reg selling me the newly released ACC materials, over a thousand lectures with associated transcripts, and the issues that came out of them.

As she said, if I read/listened 5 hours a day for almost a year I could get through them. Do I need to? Am I sitting in a scarcity of data? And isn't this material already condensed down into the materials for the training and processing on the bridge, so that reading every single word LRH spoke or wrote unnecessary?

Why do we humans have such a competitive drive to win life? Its not over when we reach some stage, and time is infinite. Why not savor it as it goes along? Yes advance our knowledge, but not at the expense of the full appreciation of the experience.

So I am still a scientologist. I use it. But I don't want it to define me either. Scientology is a paradigm, a set of concepts to help explain and deal with life, but yet only a subset of life itself even in its fullest sense.

I guess a reader of this could extrapolate a new years resolution or two from this.....

Perhaps a comment along those lines from you?


Friday, December 11, 2009

Not the church I joined 30 something years ago...

Morphic fields, quantum interconnectedness

Rupert Sheldrake finally has a good web presence, he's the man with the idea of Morphic fields. A morphic field would be a description of whatever its is attached to, but existing distinct of the actual thing, and something that affects and interacts with other things, usually living things.

So say you have a plant. It has a field, perhaps somehow in quantum particle/wave form or some such, that is its pattern. Or a person with a much more complex field around them, and when you get a lot of these fields together, you get a sort of automatic syncronizing.

This theory, which I admittedly dont fully grasp, would be the explanation for "spiritual" healing and other phenomenon.

Perhaps even this:

Subtle energies, a similar notion.

We have a lot to learn.

Sheldrake seems to be onto a reasonably understandable paradigm for it.

Check him out.

On a more practical note...

This is a wonderful commentary on life, creativity and choices. I feel that I would like my life simpler, and also less dependent of others. I like to cook from scratch, the work is worth the effort. I like to grow some of my own food. I find amusement in simple things....yet I find myself becoming involved in the complexity of reducing effort.

Perhaps the activity of effort is something to be relished rather than avoided?


Hubbard Communications   Office

  Saint Hill Manor, East Grinstead, Sussex

  HCO Policy Letter of 8 October 1964


  Artistic Presentation

  For some time in some quarters in Scientology we have had a
problem with regard to presentation.

  Magazines are sometimes badly proofed, books are often shabbily
done, tapes are played to the public on Woolworth recorders, etc.
In some quarters we do very well, but in many we don't.

  I have been looking this over for some time and have just
realized what it is all about.

  We live in a machine world. The whole yap of TV and newspapers is
directed toward reducing effort. The primary goal of the
civilization in which we live, it seems, is to reduce all personal
effort to zero.

  The less effort a being can confront, the more effect of effort
he becomes.

  If you reduce a man's effort output to zero you will also
collapse his bank on him.

  The modern trend of "don't do" accompanies the modern trend of an
increased percentage of the insane in the society.

  The crazier a person is, the less he accomplishes or does.

  So we live in a world which is oriented to drive men mad.

  But, more pertinent to us, we suffer from the continuous bait-"do
it the easy way." "Do it in the way that will demand the least effort."

  We see this in manufacturing particularly- the easiest way is the
cheapest way is the most profitable way.

  So we get into a "do it the easy-way."

  Well, that may apply to making spoons for profit, but it does not
apply to presentation.

  The whole world of the arts is directly opposed to the philosophy
of the business man or manufacturer.

  Art seeks to create an effect. An effect is not always created
the easy way. Indeed, the better effects are quite difficult to achieve.

  One can fall into creating easy effects to such a degree that one
fails completely.

  For instance, a dozen cakes are in competition at a county fair.
The one that wins is not the easiest cake to make. True, the cook
that made the winner may have some easy ways to short cut cake
baking. But the winning cook actually takes that extra bit of care
to make it all just right.

  It isn't magic or luck that makes the professional. It's hard won
know-how carefully applied

  A true professional may do things pretty easily from all
appearances, but he is actually taking care with each little bit
that it is just right.

  The winner has it instinctively. The loser rarely even grasps the
concept of "do it right".

  Artistic presentation always succeeds to the degree that it is
done well.

  How easily  it is done is entirely secondary.

  To the world of presentation, of putting up mock ups, the only
guide is take the care necessary to do a good job.

  To the world of the business man, the manufacturer, the primary
guide is "how can we do it easily".

  These two philosophies clash.

  We are taught daily in advertisements, by union leaders, by
socialists that DO IT WITH THE SMALLEST EFFORT is the greatest goal
in life. Do the least work for the most pay. Buy the automatic
machine that chews up the most clothes in the least time. Use the
roofing paper that goes on quickest and keeps out the least rain.
Vote for Jim X who will make all the world eat without working. Do
nothing yourself. Shove it off on the Mix Up Accounting Company-or
the man at the next desk.

  That all this leads to total dependence on gadgets, total
enslavement to mounting economic puzzles, even to total enslavement
to a Commissar Krushtoad in the next generation is neglected
utterly. That less than two centuries ago we lived quite well and
built more strongly and were a lot saner without all these ads,
tools and commissars is never mentioned.

  Man is solving himself to extinction. And all on the slogan
"Don't exert yourself".

  It's gotten so bad that people are shrugging off all
responsibility for the state, for their friends, for anything and
everything. "Nothing has anything to do with anybody" is the
epitaph that nobody will take the trouble to write on the tombstone
of this civilization.

  Now this is no rant against automation or gadgets or
self-sterilizing cat petters.

  Use all the gadgets you can lay your hands on-if they really do
work in your hands and don't absorb all your time in earning their
price or repairing their faults.

  No, my thought here is only this - keep you action level above
your gadget level.

  Keep ahead of automation. Keep ahead of do-it-for-you. Don't
disenfranchise yourself by giving all your work away-to a machine,
to a fellow worker.

  If you've got equipment do one of two things (a) Use it to
increase your production of effects or (b) Get rid of it.

  But first and foremost realize that in presenting something, in
trying to put up mock ups, that the best way isn't always the easy
way. The best way is only the more effective way.

  Work out first what effect you are trying to produce. Then when
you've got that all taped,  only then consider the easiest way to do it. And never consider the
easier way at all if it is less effective.

  Art takes that extra bit, that extra care, that bit more push for
it to be effective art.

  There is no totally easy way to produce a desirable effect.

  And the day you drop some of your ideas of the effect you want to
produce is the day you get a little older, a little weaker, a little less sane.

  So don't buy the easy way. Buy only the effective way. If some of
its points can then be made easy, good. If not, do it the hard way.

  And only if you realize this can you escape the gargantuan trap
of a society with the mass goal of "Nothing should ever be done by
anything but a machine or somebody else".


Copyright (c) 1964 by L. Ron Hubbard