Thursday, March 25, 2010
I was at a school event tonight....heard children sing Amazing Grace....glib and innocent, not knowing wretchedness, not yet knowing the evil of cognizant sin...
"GRACE: Grace is the spontaneous, unmerited gift of the divine favour in the salvation of sinners. It is understood by Christians to be the free gift of an uncaused and overflowing love─totally undeserved mercy"
I remembered an experience from my youth, at 18, separated and estranged from my family, (by my own stupidity), and finding myself in a church service, high in the balcony, hearing Amazing Grace as if for the first time. The first time it struck me....as relevant.
I long for a bit of grace.
The song only reminded me of it tonight, not delivered it. Tonight the eve of a day I did something mean and irrevocable to someone good. Something they will never know I did, but will steal some joy from their life none the less.
My muse, now dark fury.
longs for grace
muse of dark fury
at what cant be faced
losing my grip
accepting the welcome
of shadows embrace.
Posted by Alex at 9:42 PM
Monday, March 15, 2010
I'm in kind of a dark place now days...love is no where to be found. It was that I could love, and now I am below the mark, below 2.0, as RogerB says, on the reverse vector, where you snap from positive to negative. I want to create....hurt, retribution, chaos.
I have holes, blankness' of perception, about my self, that haunt me. Although I know they are there, I don't know what they are filled with. It is as if I were in a large room, well known to me, but could only see certain parts of it.
I suspect others see me with the blanks filled, see what I dont.
People have offered to help...to process me, but I haven't confronted that, turned them down, turned on them, their efforts. Two big players have stepped up, open to helping me, Mike Goldstein gave it a shot, and I dissed him publicly. Another privately, a knowledgist, but I turned him down, and he moved on to help others, bigger players than me.
I need to get above the mark. Up from the apathy to antogo band, at least into the maginally positive...
I miss it. Being creative. I certainly miss the year or so long ability that turned on...writing poetry...its gone. My muse, amused no more. Yea it was a person...and they dont want me. Maybe never even realized...and still I have dreams of us.
I like this one...
cold hands blue, wishing for raspberry romantic you, dancing in rainbows elusive embrace, untouched by the smiling face of god of the forests, gnomes and fairies, spiritual metaphor last universes detritus, magic method of remembered joy, and love unanswered, but attention twill cloy, science in place to mend messes made, in structure artificial sans brocade, failing to order that which is not, still believing that path to trot, till ending in ruin when all that was dear is lost and perverted by anal fear, but ever the notion of communion is held by some simple ones who agree with not, and nothing need holy order to be, but simply love and curiosity and laughter to heed, so go long in dreams of life sublime, raspberry romantic, sample my wine.
I'm not the person who wrote that anymore.
Still me .....but a me who remembers the people I have screwed.... S---- whos marrage I put myself in the middle of...I knew what I was doing...letting you be the one who took all the leads...I was not innocent, but you lost your job, your spouse, and even me. Yes we should have just gone to mexico, instead I played dead, leaving you with a mess. I still dream of what you and I would have been if we had blown. I remember vividly, lying in the grass on the hill with you, with a bottle of champagne, talking till the early morning. That night we never even touched...yet we did in a way.
B--- you followed me across the country. I betrayed you, abandoned you, embarassed you. I think of you now decades later and wonder...
L. I should have just told you right off...my love for you was not the love of a life time, but it was love....but our kid....shes the one I really hurt, not giving her both parents.
And so off I go looking for spiritual freedom, when happiness could be had in just being....decent.
And in the way of "spiritual freedom" lie all my own creations. Things I would be forgiven by anyone but myself.
Posted by Alex at 8:53 PM