Is is futile?

Is it futile?

Life that is....

I was driving the soccer mom mini van home from the post office today, thinking: WHY?

Why am I here? Alive? What do I have to motivate me? What fun game?

Yes, my kids. I need to be here for them. And dinner, it needs to be ready in a few hours, and yes I did pick up toilet paper (mass quantities) at Sam's club today...

But for me? What.

There have been times in my life when the shear beauty of life itself was reason enough. Or the trees talking to me when I rode my bike in the country. Or when in love.

I need some more interaction in my life. Someone playing back. An enemy maybe. I'm not in a position to be in love at the moment. I am married.

Yes, its nice, and yes I do love them, deeply. But....dynamic purpose....excitement about being alive...maybe its the weather, gray skies...

Disassociative thought?

If I think I am an entity distinct from my body, or at least a symbiotic component of a composite called "a human", am I suffering from disassociative thought? Am I crazy in layman's terms? Is it schitzoid!?!

Or am I an artist of consciouness, imagining, creating works of genius, when I imagine beams of subtle, gentle, comforting, energy, caressing my body at the direction of my whims? Stroking up my leg, feeling the skin, teasing to my root chakra? Tickling my pleasures?

Is it delusion to call out into the ether, for others to share? To want, and to desire to give.

Funny thoughts on a lazy Saturday morning, sitting on a couch wearing loose flannel, listening to music.

Thoughts about my body. And who I will be with out it someday. Some day that sometimes seems too soon. A body is a wonderful amplifier of all the sensations that originate in the imaginings of various consciousnesses, interplay between points of discreet life, in the soup of life as an un-individuated whole.

I don't think I know how to function without body. I don't know if I have the courage to try. I am so attached to this paradigm, living through the intermediary of material tools. I like the game, having a body, the privacy it gives me as consciousness, the barriers of it. You cant see me unless I choose. Just the skin I hide in.

But then maybe you can see me in these words.

And play with what your eyes can not see, but you know is there.

http://www.biomindsuperpowers.com/  (my apologies to Ingo for ripping off his art above) His book "Psychic Sexuality" is a must read for anyone exploring consciousness, human existence, and how spirit interacts with body.

When I go to sleep, I start by fantasizing some scenario....frequently being ridiculously wealthy and living in paris....

Listening to Paganini at this moment in the grand march of time....almost bed time.

Sleep...the magic when this universe dissolves and avenues to others open....

See you there.

Dark side....a dichotomous necessity?

Sometimes i consider going to the dark side, or that I am there. Creating chaos instead of order. Sometimes I do intend and create chaos. With no qualms, a psychopathic uproar fairy, sprinkling virus' of disorder. Loki in soft flesh, seemingly benign....yet virulent, potent...eroticly compelling, subtly corrupting.

I changed. When once I proclaimed love as the answer.....now I find value on either side of the dichotomy.

http://forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?t=8962

I may have helped kill a man, Alan, with my pestering, with my challenging of his beloved conclusions on method and reason to life.

http://forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?t=11851
http://forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?t=12430

He was never able to meet me head on in a discussion, he always turned away or attacked me for puttting my ideas in front of him. He told me in a phone conversation once that I was an abuser, his name for a suppressive person. He was so patient in trying to explain to me how I was abusing him, how what I was saying was unwanted, unwanted being his definition of abuse. I know he was a kind and good man, being so patient in dealing with someone he considered destructive. Yet he was also lacking perceptions, thinking me to be one of a stream of OSA terminals, never once accurately seeing me.

I didn't know he had cancer when I made those posts. I stand by their content, and would hold them up as examples of fanatics just like scientologists, in the responses of alan and other knowledgists....yet if I knew he was dying, I would not have posted them. I feel it contributed in a very small way to his passing, my counter intentions to his life's work.

And now I may have cancer myself. Funny stuff life.

My encounter on ESMB with Alan changed things for me. I was flying high, I had a muse, was extroverted and creating. Then alan begin his subtle wrong indications, his lies about knowing who I was, his denial of having talked to me, after knowingly feeding me little jabs that were calculated to key me in. It worked. He spun his abuser. I haven't recovered fully yet, a year later.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/22001163/muse-gone

I probably shouldnt even talk about it, much less the psychic stuff, alan sending his spiritual team mates to spy on me, admitting it and later denying it, or teaming up with a corporal friend to push mass at me one day....of course I gave back in kind too....really it didn't bother me, I considered myself immune from the psychic shananigins, and probably am, at least as a receiver of those comms, but maybe not so much as the sender...that is the ironic harm is such games.

Ultimately it is just experience, with the significance something assigned, as considered, purely subjective.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/23846214/to-the-end-of-time

Am I saying a balance of considered good vs. considered evil is the golden middle path?

Or that it just doesn't matter at all what we do.

We have a lot of time to fill.

My meditation spot...

This spot is where I like to go and listen to hemi-sync and other bi-aural stuff on my iphone.

A modern form of medition, the bi-aural recordings put different frequencies into each ear, and cause your brain to generate another frequency (hetrodyning), trying to reconcile the different imputs. The frequency the brain creates is in the range of the various brain way states, Alpha, Delta, Theta, etc that correspond to different perceptive and emotional experiences.

In the Monroe paradigm these different perceptive and emotional states are referred to as focus levels. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Focus_level

See: http://www.monroeinstitute.org/  for more information. It works.