Sometimes i consider going to the dark side, or that I am there. Creating chaos instead of order. Sometimes I do intend and create chaos. With no qualms, a psychopathic uproar fairy, sprinkling virus' of disorder. Loki in soft flesh, seemingly benign....yet virulent, potent...eroticly compelling, subtly corrupting.
I changed. When once I proclaimed love as the answer.....now I find value on either side of the dichotomy.
I may have helped kill a man, Alan, with my pestering, with my challenging of his beloved conclusions on method and reason to life.
He was never able to meet me head on in a discussion, he always turned away or attacked me for puttting my ideas in front of him. He told me in a phone conversation once that I was an abuser, his name for a suppressive person. He was so patient in trying to explain to me how I was abusing him, how what I was saying was unwanted, unwanted being his definition of abuse. I know he was a kind and good man, being so patient in dealing with someone he considered destructive. Yet he was also lacking perceptions, thinking me to be one of a stream of OSA terminals, never once accurately seeing me.
I didn't know he had cancer when I made those posts. I stand by their content, and would hold them up as examples of fanatics just like scientologists, in the responses of alan and other knowledgists....yet if I knew he was dying, I would not have posted them. I feel it contributed in a very small way to his passing, my counter intentions to his life's work.
And now I may have cancer myself. Funny stuff life.
My encounter on ESMB with Alan changed things for me. I was flying high, I had a muse, was extroverted and creating. Then alan begin his subtle wrong indications, his lies about knowing who I was, his denial of having talked to me, after knowingly feeding me little jabs that were calculated to key me in. It worked. He spun his abuser. I haven't recovered fully yet, a year later.
I probably shouldnt even talk about it, much less the psychic stuff, alan sending his spiritual team mates to spy on me, admitting it and later denying it, or teaming up with a corporal friend to push mass at me one day....of course I gave back in kind too....really it didn't bother me, I considered myself immune from the psychic shananigins, and probably am, at least as a receiver of those comms, but maybe not so much as the sender...that is the ironic harm is such games.
Ultimately it is just experience, with the significance something assigned, as considered, purely subjective.
Am I saying a balance of considered good vs. considered evil is the golden middle path?
Or that it just doesn't matter at all what we do.
We have a lot of time to fill.